A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Drunk is a universal language darling
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
