She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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