Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
