I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you traded sex for a burrito?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
