Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
