Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
