I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
