did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
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