I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
