We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
