I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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