My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
