There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
