First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
