Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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