You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
