Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
