So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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