i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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