I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Bring me that man meat
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
