He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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