Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
