I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
