Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
