I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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