I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
