So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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