we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
