Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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