I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
