my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
