My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
