woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
