my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
