Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
