My friends, they love my intelligence
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
