Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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