Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
