What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
