I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
