Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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