maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
