My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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