it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
3pm strippers are depressing
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
