the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
