I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
