my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
