If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
