My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
