haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
