Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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